


it won't be perfect but we'll be fine (cuz i got your back and you've got mine)

by itoldyounottoeatthesoap



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Drinking to Cope, Gen, I suck at tagging, Implied animal abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Nightmares, Past Underage Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Esteem Issues, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, dont worry the character death is just john b, i was just too lazy to read through this entire thing, implied panic attacks, no beta we die like men, reoccuring dreams, they happen in the fic but it's never explicitly stated that they are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itoldyounottoeatthesoap/pseuds/itoldyounottoeatthesoap
Summary: “Hey, Kie?” he says into the phone receiver. “I think I’m gonna need some help.”OrIn which JJ gets the dog he deserves and learns how to heal.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks), JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ & Pope (Outer Banks), Mentioned JJ & John B, Mentioned John B/Sarah Cameron
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	it won't be perfect but we'll be fine (cuz i got your back and you've got mine)

It’s after one of JJ’s insomnia-driven midnight strolls around the Chateau when he hears it. The night’s dark and raining and cold and reminds him all too much of the night John B went missing. 

It’s been five months and JJ can still feel the moment his heart shattered into a million pieces. 

(He’s been trying to pick up the pieces, but they don’t fit together like they used to. Something’s _missing_ -)

It feels like nothing could ever fill that hole John B left behind. ( _Because nothing ever will.)_

He finds himself standing in front of the porch door, weed and alcohol clouding his mind. It’s the closest he’s gotten to the Chateau since. He stares through the window, where the pullout couch hasn’t been reverted back into the couch, where the place is still trashed from the police chase. 

(He can still remember what the house looked like when Big John was still around, how they ate pancakes in the mornings and they were _happy_ -)

A loud bang shakes him out of his thoughts. His head automatically snaps towards the direction where it came from as he reaches for his flashlight. 

A metal trash can rolls down the road in the flickering light. He can see the silhouette of an animal running across the road. 

And, as always, because JJ never learns, he lets his curiosity get the better of him. He walks toward the animal. As he gets closer, he hears a small whimpering noise.

He kneels on the ground to look under the car. He hears a soft growl before he sees it. 

JJ takes in the dogs shivering form, black and white fur soaked to the skin, its mouth drawn back in a snarl. He backs away, keeping his eyes on the dog. 

JJ sits there in the pouring rain, his own clothes getting soaked as he watches it shake. He wonders whether he should help, tell Kie or Pope, or if he should leave it alone. (A voice that sounds vaguely like John B in the back of his head whispers to grab food from the Chateau.) 

And suddenly, JJ is hit by an overwhelming feeling to save, be the hero for once, to bring it somewhere where it will no longer be hurting. (It reminds him of something that he can’t quite put his finger on yet.)

So, JJ finds himself in the Chateau, looking for anything remotely safe for a dog to eat. He hopes that he didn’t scare it away, because it’s all he seems to do. JJ doesn’t have a soft touch like Kie has, or Pope’s cautiousness or John B’s thoughtful recklessness. All he has is himself, only good at breaking and fighting. And yet, JJ hopes selfishly, in that dark recess of his mind, that this- this dog might not be scared away like everyone else.

In one of the cabinets, he finds a half-eaten jar of peanut butter, with only a tiny bit of mold. And hey, if he can eat a little bit of mold without dying, he thinks this dog will be just fine. JJ grabs a (dirty) spoon and scrapes the mold off the top of it. 

When JJ walks back outside, the rain has lightened and the waves are softer. He tries to remember what Kie did when they went to help out at the animal shelter once (only Kie was allowed back). 

He gets on his knees to look under the car. It’s still there and he makes an awkward kissy noise that’s met with growling. _I am so under equipped to deal with this,_ he thinks. 

“Hey, doggie,” he says. He clears his throat and runs his fingers through his wet hair. “I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m here to help. See, I brought food that you might like?” he holds up the jar of peanut butter. It stares back at him. JJ glances from the jar to the dog. 

He sticks the spoon into peanut butter and scoops some onto the spoon. JJ sits cross-legged on the cement and leaves the spoon on the ground in front of him. 

He sits there for a while before it starts moving. JJ’s hands have become slightly numb and his clothes stick to his body. But the dog inches it’s way out from under the car to sniff at the spoon. It keeps its eyes on him while it licks the peanut butter. JJ shifts his weight a little and in response the dog flinches, and backs away. He stills immediately and the dog’s snarl slowly goes away as it returns to licking the spoon. 

Once it finishes, it slowly approaches him, sniffing the ground. He slowly holds out the jar of peanut butter, as it comes closer. It sniffs around until it reaches the jar of peanut butter. JJ slowly reaches his hand out and places it next to the dog as it licks the jar. 

Gradually, the dog allows him to move his hand into its eyesight. It glances from his hand to his eyes, pausing for a moment. 

JJ holds his breath as the dog sniffs his hand once, then twice before licking it and returning to the jar of peanut butter. 

The peanut butter is halfway gone and its tongue is having problems reaching it. So JJ pulls the jar slowly away, and the dog follows his movements. He stares at the spoon for a moment before deciding to dip his fingers into it. 

He pulls out a clump of peanut butter and holds it out to the dog. It stares at him curiously, although its muscles remain stiff. He tries the kissy noise again paired with a “C’mere, bud”. 

It places it’s paw toward him slowly, reaching its head out to lick at his fingers without moving its body any closer. He lets it sniff his hand for a little bit until the peanut butter runs out. 

He reaches his hand out towards its face. It shifts slightly away from where he’s reaching and JJ freezes. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, it reaches its nose toward his hand and rubs its forehead against him. JJ lets outs a sign of relief. 

He goes gently at first, because he’s not going to break something else important, no sir. He feels its wet fur, soaked to the bone, matted and gnarly. He feels it shiver against his palm when he realizes his own teeth are chattering. 

“Hey,” he says. It glances at him before returning to sniffing his hand with the peanut butter. He clears his throat softly and it jumps. Pursing his lips, he moves his hand slightly away. 

He watches as the dog hesitantly follows his movements. JJ can feel his whole body shaking, clothes _drenched_ (just like the night John B went missing-). He runs his fingers through his hair as his thoughts run away faster than he can stop them. _John B’s dead. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone-_

The dog’s tongue goes back to licking his hand, seemingly uncaring about the fact that JJ is on the verge of a mental breakdown after letting himself feel after five months. There’s no numbing alcohol or weed around as JJ’s fingers itch for the neck of a bottle or a blunt. 

JJ gently releases his hands from his hair, offering it to the dog, who gladly takes up the offer to lick it again. 

JJ slowly gets on his knees, and the dog follows a little bit, still chasing that peanut butter taste. He takes the spoon from the ground. He dips it into the jar and leads the dog toward the Chateau. 

It takes him a while, with multiple stops along the way, but finally, finally they make it inside the house. They track water all over the wooden floors of the house (he can still hear the echo of John B’s warnings not to mess up his perfectly shined floors even though they hadn’t been cleaned in over a _month_ ). 

JJ grabs towels from around the house that (hopefully) aren’t dirty. He strips off his shirt and his sweatpants and goes to rifle through John B’s dresser. 

His feet take him to the room before his brain can warn him. He flicks on the light and half expects John B to be laying there over the covers. So when JJ is only met with rumpled sheets, he can feel his heart sink. 

He tears his eyes away and grabs a random hoodie and pants and books it out of the room as fast as possible. (If he doesn’t think about it, then it can’t affect him, right?)

He shakes out his hair and puts the clothes on while looking for the dog (John B’s clothes still smell like him and it reminds him of days on the beach and nighttime fires and windy sunsets). 

JJ makes a little kissy noise as he sits on the ground, towel and peanut butter next to him.

The dog rounds the corner of the table and catches sight of him. It trots over, sniffing his hand. He lifts it to pet the dog, the fur still wet. He coughs as he catches a whiff of the pungent smell of wet dog. It flinches as the noise, but JJ returns to petting it. 

He places a scoop of peanut butter on the ground in front of them, mentally wincing at ruining the floors. 

As the dog gets distracted by the scent of the peanut butter, JJ lifts the towel over it to dry it off. The dog flinches and draws its lips up in a growl before glancing at him and returning to licking the floor. 

He gently rubs the towel up and down its back. The dog still hesitantly glances at him from time to time, but begrudgingly allows him to dry it off. 

After the dog is (mostly) dried off, JJ glances up at the clock, a sudden wave of exhaustiveness hitting him. He blinks tiredly, reading 5:30am. He lets out a huff and stands, wincing at the ache in his back. 

JJ falls essentially face first onto the pullout bed of the Chateau. He can hear the quiet clicks of nails against the floorboards, followed by a wet tongue licking the bottom of his foot. JJ rolls over and pulls his foot away to look at the dog. 

JJ stares at it for a moment before muttering, “C’mon,” and patting the bed beside him. It jumps up onto the bed, paws still slightly muddy and its face still wet. 

When JJ’s head hits the pillow, his sleep is the deepest it’s been in years.

~~

He wakes up with a neck cramp and the feeling of being all too hot. He blinks his eyes tiredly as he sits up in bed, his head sluggish from the aftermath of being drunk and high at the same time. 

The bed shifts beside him and he wonders for a moment if he brought _another_ girl into this bed. 

JJ glances down and is met with white and black fur and he realizes that his faint memories weren’t a lucid dream. He throws his legs over the side of the bed and the dog lifts its head, turning to look at him while yawning. JJ walks into the kitchen by habit and finds his phone resting on the counter. He turns it on, the time reading 10:32 and is met with voicemails from Kie and Pope, and probably fifty test messages. 

He scans through the text messages, ranging from a _u ok?_ to a _its ok if ur having nightmares again_ and _if u need you can spend the night at my house_.

He clicks on Kie’s contact and calls her, praying that she isn’t working a morning shift at the Wreck. 

Kie picks up on the third ring. “JJ?” she asks, “where have you been? Pope and I were worried all night, you weren’t answer-”

“Hey Kie,” he says into the phone receiver. “I think I’m gonna need some help.” He glances down at his feet, where the dog is now sniffing. 

“What did you do now? Don’t tell me you got into another fight. Where are you? Are you at the Chateau?”

JJ nods before remembering she can’t see him. He clears his throat. “Um, yes.” He pauses for a moment before tacking on, “I may or may not have a dog here. Ya know, just as a warning.”

He can feel the moment his words register in Kie’s mind. “I’m sorry? Did I just hear you right? Because what I thought you said was that you had a _dog_ -”

JJ cuts her off. “Just come to the Chateau. And preferably with dog supplies.” He clicks the red hang-up button and rubs his eyes tiredly. 

He sits on the floor and pets the dog’s head. He takes in its slightly underweight frame and scarring on its muzzle. 

JJ pets it softly until he hears the door open. At the sound of the door creaking, the dogs head shoots up. He can hear the jingle of Kie’s lanyard and the dog bolts into John B’s room. 

JJ stands and sees Kie’s hands full of bags. She places the bags on the kitchen counter and gives him a hug. He remembers the last time JJ received a hug (saying goodbye to John B) and for a split second, his gut tells him to pull away but JJ returns it anyways.

( _So fucked up,_ his brain whispers, _you don’t even trust your friends. Can’t even give them a text back. Disgrace, useless, fuck-up. This is why no one ever loves you-)_.

Kie seems to recognize his train of nasty thoughts before he does, and she pulls away and gives his hand a small squeeze. “So where’s this dog you talked about?”

JJ glances to the room it ran away into. “It’s hiding,” he says. “I think you scared it.” He looks at her sheepishly. “It’s been a little- very scared. Took me over two hours to get it into the Chateau.”

JJ can see the blank look on Kie’s face that tells him she isn’t following what he’s saying (he knows this because this is what they looked like when Pope would spew his medical facts). 

“Can we just start from the beginning? Actually, let me ask. How the fuck did you find a dog?”

So JJ explains to her how he found it, leaving out the reason he was at the Chateau in the first place. He tells her how scared it was, how long it took for him for it to trust him even a little bit. (And again he’s hit with the feeling of deja vu, the feeling that he somehow recognizes this from somewhere). 

He can see the pieces being put together in Kie’s head. “And now you have a dog.” It’s not a question. 

“Yes?” JJ scratches the back of his head. “I’m not exactly sure what to do though. Never really owned a pet. Didn’t you have a fish?”

He ignores the sympathetic look Kie gives him. “JJ,” she says, exasperated, “a fish is different from a dog.” After a brief moment, Kie continues. “I think maybe we should take it to the vet? I bought a leash and a collar and treats.”

“Yea, Kie,” JJ chuckles humorlessly. “How am I expected to keep it? It’s not like I have the money or the place to take care of the dog.”

There’s a moment of silence and JJ is doubting Kie’s generosity even though she was the one to drag them out of bed at five in the morning to save sea turtles. 

“I’ll pay,” Kie says. “My parents won’t want it around the house but I’m sure that the Chateau will be free for a little bit.” There’s an unspoken acknowledgement that JJ can not, in fact, return to his house without getting the shit beat out of him, nevertheless returning home with a dog in tow. 

“Let’s take it to the vet. I’ll pick up the charges for this visit,” Kie says gently. “Can you go get it?”

JJ reaches out to squeeze Kie’s hand. He walks to John B’s room, purposely ignoring the bed this time. The dog comes over to him from beside the dresser and sniffs him warily. JJ pets it and he can feel the stiffness in its muscles. 

JJ coaxes it out of the room. When it sees Kie, it stops in its tracks, following her movement. JJ glances from the dog to Kie, who is holding a bag of dog treats.

She undoes the seal, and throws a couple of the treats on the ground in front of her. JJ stands at the side of the dog, watching curiously as it takes a step forward to sniff the treats. 

It finishes the treats, and looks up at Kie, who throws another batch down at it. 

Kie glances at JJ. “Trust me,” she says. 

So JJ does. He goes around to the bags Kie placed on the table and pulls out the leash and collar while he watches this dog slowly get closer and closer to Kie. He remembers how long it took for him to trust anyone else other than John B. He remembers the first day he accepted a hug from Kie and Pope, or the day he stopped flinching every time they raised their hands for a high-five (he still flinches on the bad days). 

He watches as the dog accepts a handful of treats, still glancing up at her. She pulls away gently. He sits on the ground next to Kie and the dog comes closer to him. He pets it, while the other hand reaches around to put the collar on. He keeps petting it even as he clasps the leash onto the collar. 

He stands, and glances at Kie. She has a soft smile on her face, and he realizes this is the lightest he felt since that night. (He forgot for a moment the crushing feeling of helplessness)

He returns the smile, the muscles in his face aching a little bit. He looks at the dog and a wave of repulsiveness hits him.

“Kie,” he says slowly. “Did you get a hot pink leash and collar?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked, JJ,” she says, a shit-eating grin spreading on her face. “I did, in fact, get a hot pink leash and collar. You know, you and John B-” She pauses, her mouth opening before closing again.

JJ can feel his entire soul ache. He ignores the tight feeling in his chest, instead he rolls his eyes and grabs the keys, swinging them around his thumb. He starts walking out the door, before turning around to look at Kie. He catches her eyes roaming around the Chateau. “Hey, Kie? You coming?”

JJ somehow gets the dog into the car without much of a hassle. He sits in the passenger side of the car and waits for Kie to get in. He runs his hands across the dashboard. 

When Kie gets into the car, JJ asks, “So how’d you get your parents to give you back the car?” Kie glances at him suspiciously and JJ’s hands itch for a cigarette or a blunt. 

“Took a bit. I was under house arrest for a little bit,” she says. Mentally, he winces, hit with the guilt of being MIA for the past two months. 

It’s silent in the car for a little bit and JJ turns to look out the window, watching as they drive past Figure 8. The volume on the music turns down suddenly.

He looks over to Kie, who glances from him to the road. “So,” she starts. “Where have you been?”

He glances back at the ground. _Trying to forget_ , his mind supplies helpfully, _or getting laid. Drinking and smoking? The occasional fight. You know, normal coping mechanisms._ He doesn’t know how to express the amount of helplessness he’s felt the past few months. How lost he’s been without John B. 

How does he describe the feeling of the one constant in his life being uprooted? He’s been drowning in feelings he was never taught how to express. 

How does he tell Kie that he only knows what anger feels like? That the feeling of punching through a drywall is the only way he can feel without wanting to break down? That the feeling of numbness that only weed and alcohol brings is better than the feeling of anything else?

He doesn’t want to explain this. He doesn’t want the looks of pity, or the looks of sympathy. He doesn’t want Kie or Pope to look at him like he needs to be fixed. He doesn’t know how to deal with this. He knows how to deal with punches directed at him, or fury and anger lingering under drunk and high gazes. 

_I always knew you’d come running back to me_ , _you little shit. Always asking for more_ , his dad whispers in the back of his mind.

He clears his throat and glances back up at Kie, who has parked the car on the side of the road and is now staring at him. He swallows and glances away again, playing with the rings and bracelets on his left hand. “I’ve been taking some time to myself,” he hears himself say distantly. “I’ve been figuring out how to deal with all of this.” The car goes silent. 

Kie reaches over to grab his hand. He wrenches his hand away from her touch, glancing up at her guiltily. She draws away slowly, bringing her hand back to the center console. He can tell in her facial expressions that she understands, and he feels relieved. “You don’t have to do it alone,” she whispers. “Pope and I are here. We’re all learning how to navigate this.”

He feels himself physically revolt at the thought of them knowing. He misses John B. He misses how he just _knew_ without JJ having to go through the painful process of explaining. Frustration wells in his chest, because he can’t just say what he feels. He knows it’s simple, that people do it all the time without feeling like they’re weak.

Instead of taking the simple route and just telling Kie how he feels, he feels himself snap at her. “How could you possibly know how I’m feeling? You don’t know shit.” A blossom of guilt fills his chest but it’s over clouded by his frustration and anger. 

He feels like he’s watching this conversation from outside of his body. He watches as he ruins (yet another) relationship. He doesn’t know how to fix this. His hands shake and he feels himself say, “Just drive.” He feels the car move beneath him and he stares out the window. 

They pull into the vet’s parking lot and Kie lets out a sigh. “JJ,” she says softly. “It’s ok.” 

She gets out of the car, door closing behind her. JJ follows behind her, going into the backseat to grab the dog. It’s shaking and he feels bad for forgetting about it. He pets it gently and coaxes it out of the car. 

It follows him into the vet’s office and Kie and him sit on the benches. 

A professional looking woman comes out to greet him. He stands and shakes her hand. “Hi, I’m Dr. Eleanor,” she says, with a smile on her face. “Is this Kiara?” Kie pops up beside him and nods. She leans down slightly and says, “And who is this little guy?” 

“I, uh, found it. Last night. On the street,” JJ says awkwardly. 

She looks up at him. “I guess we can get started on the evaluation.”

They follow her into a room and they sit on a bench. The dog goes and hides underneath their legs. 

The doctor turns around. She sits on the floor with a handful of treats and slowly gets the dog to wander outside of their legs. “We’re going to take,” she glances down at the dog, “her in the back for a couple of mandatory tests. We’ll be back in thirty minutes.” She feeds the dog a handful of treats and grabs the leash. She disappears into a room behind the door. 

They sit in awkward silence until Kie says, “So JJ,” she starts, “are you down to see Pope again this afternoon? He’s been missing you.”

JJ nods as he stares at the door Eleanor disappeared into. They sit in silence for the next couple of minutes until the vet walks in the door again, the dog following, glancing up to her expectantly.

She reads from a sheet. “She seems to be in pretty ok condition. She has a small case of fleas, slightly underweight, heartworm. She has a couple of bruised ribs as well. We can give you medication to treat all of this. She’ll need to go on a special diet for a few months and needs a bath right away to treat the fleas but other than that she’s a pretty solid dog. Little skittish, but could be solved through training. So how did you find her?”

He glances at Kie. “She was wandering around outside-” his voice catches, “outside my house. She was under a car when I found her so I brought her inside.” JJ clears his throat.

He hears the typing stop. “So,” Eleanor says, “have you named her yet? If you’re going to keep her, she needs a name.” She reaches into a jar and pulls out a treat and hands it to the dog.

“Astra,” JJ says before Kie responds. He can see her shoot him a confused glance out of the corner of his eyes. “Astra,” he repeats. 

He sees Eleanor smile, leaning down to the dog. “Hello Astra,” she says in a higher pitcher voice. She types something into the computer. “She doesn’t have a microchip. You’re free to register her.” JJ looks at her, eyebrows furrowing. “She’s yours.”

He feels his own face stretch into a smile. Eleanor hands him a bag of medicine and he allows Kie to sort out the payments. 

The dog- Astra- comes padding up to him, rubbing her nose against his hand. JJ knows he’s smiling like an idiot, but he can’t bring himself to care. 

He sees Kie coming up to him. “You ready to go?” she asks, her own face breaking out in a smile.

They get into the car and JJ lets out a whoop. His face hurts from smiling. 

Kie turns on the ignition. “So,” she says, “why Astra?”

JJ feels his smile start to drift away as he glances out the window. “We,” he doesn’t have to clarify who ‘we’ is, “we used to sit outside and he’d show me the stars.” He lets the conversation trail off as Kie starts driving. He doesn’t mention the times John B taught him every name of the stars in the Ursa Major. He doesn’t tell Kie they used to sit there after really bad nights, after nights so bad JJ could barely stand straight, after John B had to wrap him up in bandages so he wouldn’t fall apart. He doesn’t tell her the nights he’s spent crying on the beach since John B’s disappearance, trying to remember what he was taught. 

He feels the car park.

JJ can still see the beach and the embers of the fire and John B’s finger pointing at the sky.

 _Astra_ , he hears John B’s younger voice say, watching him gesture at the sky, _it’s a name for the stars in Latin_ . _Isn’t that cool?_

And JJ is crying before he can stop himself.

~~

He somehow manages to avoid Kie’s looks as they get out of the car in a Petco parking lot. 

“JJ,” he hears Kie start.

“Nope,” he says, opening the trunk and grabbing the dog- Astra’s leash. “We don’t need to talk about it.” _Don’t be a little bitch. Sons of mine don’t cry._ He slams the trunk down a little too forcefully, making Astra jump. JJ winces in response.

Almost immediately, JJ is dragged off his feet by Astra, who has decided now was the perfect time to sniff and pee in the bushes.

“C’mon, girl,” JJ says, tugging at the leash. She follows, trotting ahead of him. 

They make it through the store, not very busy on a Wednesday afternoon. JJ supposes everyone is either in school or at work, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

(Technically JJ’s missed two straight months of school, but he hasn’t been able to bring himself to walk in there knowing that the one person who made him feel safe is gone. And it’s not like his dad is sober enough to care about his attendance or that JJ had any chance of leaving Outer Banks. It’s not in Maybank's blood.)

Kie glances down at Astra, who is sniffing the corner of a shelf. “We should get her to the groomers,” she says. “Get rid of those fleas, right?”

JJ nods and they walk over together. “Hi,” JJ says to the older pretty blonde woman at the front desk. “Can we get an appointment to treat a dog for fleas and a bath?"

She looks down, typing into her laptop. “Well,” she says with a hint of a southern accent, “You’re in luck, darlin’. Someone just cancelled. We can take her into the back for ya. What’s this cutie’s name?” 

He hands the leash over to her, his fingers lingering on the handle before letting go. “Her name is Astra.”

JJ heads back into the store, where Kie has the basket full of toys and treats. “Hey,” she greets him. “What toys do we think she’ll like?”

He shrugs and frowns. “You’re the expert here.” JJ’s never been the one with good ideas or the smarts to lead an operation like John B. “Last time I dealt with animals, we ended up flinging dog shit everywhere.” He hears Kie chuckle behind him.

They somehow end up with a cart that costs over one hundred dollars (JJ can’t imagine what he would do if he had a hundred dollars to spare like Kie.) By the time they load everything into Kie’s car, JJ gets a phone call from the groomer saying that Astra is ready to get picked up. 

JJ and Kie head into the groomer and are immediately assaulted by a jumping dog. “We managed to get rid of all the fleas!” the lady says. “She smells _so_ much better, and we added a complementary bandana!”

JJ gives her a closed mouth smile while Kie pays. He inhales the smell of lavender and lemons. His eyes catch on a baby blue bandana, all too similar to the bandana John B always wore, a gift from Big John. He can feel his heart ache at the sight of it. 

He tears his eyes away from it as Kie approaches, hand still buried in Astra’s fur. He grabs the leash and opens the door up for Kie (like a gentleman). 

They get Astra into the car. Kie’s hand lingers on his arm, gently asking a silent question. He knows she saw the way his eyes lingered around the neck of Astra. He shrugs off her hand and gets in the car. 

As Kie gets into the car, JJ can’t help but ask, “Do you have any weed on you? A joint, anything?”

She gives him a disappointed look. “I thought we were weaning you off alcohol and the weed.”

“Hey, listen. I’ve been clean for twenty-four hours. I think I should get some credit here.” Kie’s still giving him that look. “It's the longest I’ve been sober since, like, 7th grade."

Kie lets out a long sigh. “It's in the glove compartment. But _only_ one.” JJ lets out a muttered _oh thank god_ and yanks open the glove compartment. 

JJ lights up the cigarette and lets out a long puff of smoke. It burns, but the feeling distracts him from the longing in his chest.

Kie starts the car and opens his window. He glances at her. “What?” she asks, “I don’t want my car stinking after I spent weeks groveling.” JJ takes another long drag. “You know,” she says after a beat. “Now that you have a dog, you have to pull back on the smoking, unless you want to hurt her.” JJ glances backward at Astra, who is looking out the window excitedly. 

He feels a pang of guilt in his stomach. He lets out a long sigh, smoke billowing out of his mouth. JJ knows that he’s slowly killing himself through his self destructive coping mechanisms. He knows he needs to pull back (before he ends up like his dad). He knows in order to keep her safe from- from himself is to get sober, or get some help (which, realistically, will never happen). He closes his eyes and tilts his head back against the headrest. 

He knows that Astra wouldn’t understand how he’d be hurting her. All she’d know is that he smells of weed and her lungs would be slowly filling up with smoke (like his are). He remembers the beginning of his father’s addiction, the nights he’d spend begging with him to just give it up (those nights always ended up with black eyes and bruised arms). He remembers watching the spiral his father took and how he was powerless to do anything. 

He remembers the helplessness he felt. (All he wishes is for his father to care about him more than he cares about the drugs, the pills, the alcohol.)

So JJ decides then, because he’s been too weak to save himself, that he’ll try his hardest to fix this- this- this problem for her (he can’t admit it to himself that he’s turning into his father, driving himself deeper and deeper into the hole of addiction, so far that he might not be able to pull himself back up.) He knows there’s only so far he can pull back, but he decides that the effort should be enough. 

“Ok,” JJ whispers, mainly to himself. 

Kie glances at him, eyebrows furrowed. “Huh?” When JJ doesn’t answer, she turns up the radio. 

JJ twirls the cig around his fingers while Kie pulls into the long driveway of the Chateau. 

They unload their bags and Astra into the house. JJ unpacks everything that Kie got. 

(He squeaks every toy and Kie is ready to smack him by the end of unpacking.)

Astra seems to enjoy the stuffed animals the most, going right away to play with them by herself. 

JJ sets up her bed on the ground next to the pullout bed (although he has a feeling that Astra will be sleeping in his bed more than on her own).

He sets up her food and water bowl as Kie checks the kitchen of the Chateau. He hears her sigh. “Maybe our next stop should be the grocery store.”

JJ rolls his eyes. “There’s enough!” he says indignantly. 

“JJ, there are two pieces of bread that aren’t moldy, a half empty peanut butter jar _on the ground_ that I’m pretty sure Astra ate out of, and a box of expired cereal.”

“John B and I survived on less-”

“That’s because you two are idiots. You know what,” she says exasperatedly, “I’m not giving you a choice we’re buying more food if you’re living here for the rest .”

JJ glares at Kie, while he mutters out a fine. As he turns away, he feels his throat build up with a lump of emotion. 

It’s not like he wasn’t used to going hungry. They’ve never had that much money to spare for food and it’s not like his dad has cooked a meal since his mother left or even remembered that JJ needed food to live.

The only other person who cared if or when JJ ate was John B, all the way back in first grade when John B would pack an extra sandwich for JJ to eat after he noticed that JJ was never packed with any food.

JJ goes back to putting away the harness and the extra collars and leashes. He reaches into a bag and pulls out a long chew (it reads “bully stick”?). “Astra?” he calls out. He hears shuffling around in the porch area. “Astra? Astra. Astra?” She pokes her head out of a pile of blankets. He hands her the stick and she essentially tries to deepthroat the stick. His hand jumps away as her mouth comes close to his fingers. JJ would like to keep all of his fingers, thank you very much. 

He walks back into the kitchen to find a note left by Kie written in her flowery handwriting _Getting food for your stupid ass. Be back soon. <3 Kie _.

He shuts off the light in the kitchen and heads back into the porch. He knows it’s only three pm, but JJ is out like a light anyway. 

~~

When he wakes up three hours later, he finds Astra curled up next to him and he can hear someone moving around in the kitchen. If it weren’t for the dog next to him, it would be easy to imagine the sounds coming from John B. 

He smells smoke followed by loud swearing. He rubs his eyes and yawns, getting off the bed. The click of nails against the wood follows him as he heads into the kitchen.

He sees Pope at the stove, waving his hands over the cast iron that Kie must’ve brought over. Kie is holding open the trash can while Pope tosses burnt food into it. 

“Pope, you were cooking chicken. _Chicken_. How did you burn it this badly?”

“I don’t know, _Kiara_. I was watching one moment and then I looked away and there was fire!”

JJ slides into a chair at the table, glancing at the clock that reads 6:30. “Hey, Pope,” he greets.

He sees Pope jump, eyes scanning the room. “Hey, JJ,” he says. 

“We were trying to make you food once you woke up, but then _someone_ burnt it all,” Kie says, setting the trash can on the floor. “Astra’s already met Pope. Had her meet him outside in case she barked, which she did.” Kie must see the momentary look of panic on his face because she adds, “Don’t worry, they’re good now.”

Pope holds up a frozen pizza. “How does pizza sound for tonight?” he says sheepishly.

JJ gives him a thumbs up while Kie rolls her eyes. 

Kie sits next to him. “Nice nap,” she says. This close, JJ can see her own eye bags and the way exhaustion settles on her features. It’s not a good look Kie. “You needed it.”

JJ knows his insomnia is ten times worse than Kie’s, and that it must’ve been the first thing she noticed after seeing him this morning. “So do you,” JJ responds. 

Pope sets the pizza in between them and places down plates. Pope sits next to Kie, and JJ can see the shakiness in his hands. Pope has always been a bit anxious, and his best friend dying must not have helped it.

Kie reaches into a cooler and pulls out three beers. Pope gives her a look and JJ raises an eyebrow. “What? These are the only ones I brought. And it’s the first time we’ve all been together in two months. I think we deserve a bit of a celebration.”

JJ’s the first to reach for the beer bottles. “Sounds good to me,” he says, popping open the cap on the table. He takes the first swig. It tastes like shit, but it reminds him of the keg parties on the beach. 

He’s also the first to grab and eat a piece of pizza. (Its the first time he’s had real food in weeks).

“So,” Pope says, elbows on the table. “Where _have_ you been, JJ?” He sees Kie jab Pope.

He waves Kie off. “Nothing much,” he says. “Surfing, getting wasted. What more?” He pointedly ignores the look Kie sends him. 

He’s _fine._

It’s not like his heart is empty. It’s not like he notices every time there's a lull in the conversation where John B would typically be. Or that JJ always hands a joint to the left, as if he expects John B to be there to take it.

He’s dealing with it the only way he knows how.

He’s fine. 

(If he tells himself a lie long enough, it becomes the truth.)

“JJ, I don’t think-”

“You don’t think _what_ , Pope?” he snaps. “That I shouldn’t be handling it like this? That it’s not _healthy_ ? I already know that. Don’t you think I wish I could go a day without feeling like the world’s going to fall apart? To be able to wake up in the morning and not feel guilt? Don’t you think I wish I had a father who gave a _shit_ about me? Tell me how I should handle this, Pope. Tell me.”

The table is silent. Kiara and Pope are staring at him, but he can’t look up.

He is one movement away from breaking.

Kie reaches out to touch his arm.

“JJ-”

“Don’t-” he chokes out, ripping his arm out of reach from her hand. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

He flinches so hard that he almost falls out of his chair when he feels Astra place her head on his leg. 

JJ scrambles upward. “Uh, thanks for dinner guys. I’m just going to-” he turns away and walks away. 

He grabs something random off the coat hooks and slams the door behind him. 

He heads towards the beach with no destination in mind. His blood is roaring in his head and he can’t think, can’t change his thoughts away from how life is so fucking unfair, why he got dealt every single shitty card in life. 

Why no one ever stayed around, why every one left from his shitty fucking life. 

( _No one will ever care about you like you care about them._ )

( _There’s always something better than a stupid, broken, fucking bitch like you_.)

A small whine and a jingle of metal breaks through his deprecating thoughts. He turns around to find Astra trailing behind him. 

He squats as Astra approaches him. “Hey, girl,” he says petting the top of her head.

(He ignores how his hands shake. From anger or fear, he doesn’t know.)

He places whatever he grabbed from the Chateau before he left into his hoodie pocket.

He feels the cold bite of metal and pulls it back out abruptly. Astra wags her tail at the sight of it. 

He realizes that the coat rack no longer holds the keys to John B’s boat, that it now holds Astra’s supplies. 

He clips her leash onto her collar and they walk onto the beach together. 

He stands at the edge of the water, his toes getting wet with every new wave. Astra sits a little bit to the side of him, walking back and forth as far as the leash will let her. 

He knows Astra is getting antsy and probably wants to leave, but he can’t draw himself away from the ocean where John B disappeared into.

(If the ocean were a human being JJ would’ve beat it up already.)

It’s kind of ironic, JJ muses, that they loved the ocean so much, yet it’s caused them so much pain. 

How they’d spend hours out on the boat, feeling the relaxing rocking of the boat with the waves. How John B’s death was out in the ocean, its waves anything but gentle. 

He used to find solace in the ocean, the way it smells of salt, a place where he could escape to. Now it reminds him of the things that could have been and now never will be. 

He stumbles away from the ocean as the next waves reach his ankles as if it burned him. 

He walks.

And walks. 

And walks. Until his legs give out on him and he collapses on the beach. He lets out a shuddering breath. 

His chest heaves. His hands shake and nothing feels like it's alright. Nothing will ever be okay again. 

His vision is blurred by tears and his heart is clawing its way up his throat and he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe. 

He wants to get into a fight or get drunk or get high. _Anything_ would be better than the way he feels right now. 

He wants a distraction, he hates the way his feelings take over his body, it chokes him until he can’t do anything but sit there like a little bitch. 

Astra rests her head on his leg as fat teardrops fall from his eyes. 

JJ is so fucking touch starved that being comforted by a dog is better than being comforted by Kie and Pope. 

(All JJ wants in John B’s gentle hugs and his soft platitudes.)

(He misses his hugs.)

(They’re the only hugs JJ enjoys.)

JJ doesn’t want to be jealous of Kie and Pope and how they’re seemingly coping with this a lot better than him. 

(He wants to forget that his own father didn’t care enough to show up for his own son that night and how Pope’s dad had to pull him into the hug.)

JJ doesn’t _want_ to be jealous of Kie and Pope, who have proper parents that don’t prioritize getting drunk and high over their own fucking kids, who don’t use their children as punching bags.

(He is.)

(He’s selfish.)

He knows it hurts them as much as it hurts him. He’s not the only one affected by John B’s disappearance. He knows he’s not the only one feeling broken. The least he could do was be there for his friends. 

(But he’s so fucking selfish.)

(He can’t help it.)

(He was never taught any different.)

Why doesn’t anyone ever _stay?_ Why does everyone leave him _?_ What did he do to deserve it?

Maybe it would be safer if JJ went away. If he disappeared, then Kie and Pope would be safe from him. 

JJ would be safe from himself. Maybe JJ wouldn’t be scared anymore. 

(He wonders what it would be like to live without the underlying feeling of fear.)

(He imagines he would finally be able to feel happy.)

~~

Sometime early in the morning, JJ staggers back into the Chateau. He unclips her leash and she immediately jumps onto the pullout bed and curls up into a little ball. 

The clock, with its glaring green numbers, reads 4:30. He sees Kie passed out on the couch. He doesn’t know where Pope is but he can’t bring himself to care. 

His feet take him into John B’s room, and his impulse control must be gone because he ends up in the covers of John B’s bed. 

He can’t help the way he breathes in the smell of his comforter. The smell of smoke and salt fills his nose and he lets out a shuddering breath. 

(The last time he was in the bed, John B patched him up after his dad almost killed him.)

(It wasn’t a fun night for either of them.)

(Those nights typically ended in arguments.)

He takes another deep breath, and his brain sends him into a fitful sleep. 

~~

JJ’s surfing. He’s doing the one thing he’s always been good at, even better than John B was. He paddles his arms through the water, allowing her face to break out into a smile as he sees a large wave start to form. 

He doesn't notice the large black storm on the horizon until it's too late. JJ rides the wave and the air whips his face as he falls into the water below him. 

The surfboard tie is ripped from his ankle and he can feel himself sinking. 

(God, why can’t he breathe?)

His head breaks through the top of the water before getting shoved back down into the sea. 

He hears thunder crack distantly and the sky above him lights up. 

No matter how hard JJ tries, he can’t reach the surface. 

His lungs are screaming at him, telling him to _live_. 

Adrenaline and fear course through his body as he’s forced to take his first breath of water.

(Is this how John B felt?)

_Help, please, someone, please, please please please please please-_

(Maybe death would be easier than fighting.)

He sits up straight in bed, his chest heaving as his whole body shakes. 

He leans back and rests his head on the headboard. 

His head is still pounding from the surge of adrenaline and his heart is pounding against his chest. 

He’s still gasping for air. He grips the sheets in his fists.

JJ shoves his eyes closed and tries to forget the feeling of _dying_ . (He can’t stop seeing the ocean- oh _God_.)

He lets out a choked whine before cutting himself off, adrenaline spiking again.

(This time it has nothing to do with his dream.)

He feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as he waits for the pounding footsteps of his father coming down the hall. 

(He doesn’t want to be afraid.)

(This is the one place that made him feel safe.)

(JJ misses John B’s hugs.)

(JJ hasn’t hugged anyone since he disappeared.)

JJ somehow calms his breaths, imagining John B counting, leading him out of the fog of panic clouding his brain. _One, two, c’mon JJ you got it, just listen to me ok? I’m not gonna touch you, nothing can hurt you if it doesn’t touch you. You know me, man. Just listen. One, two, three, four, five, six. Hold. Can you hear me? You’re doing awesome, man, just keep following me, ok?_

JJ releases his hold on the bed sheets (his hands ache), and brings them up to rub at his eyes. 

(JJ doesn’t remember a time where he didn’t feel drained.)

(Yes, he does.)

(It was before his mother left.)

(He misses her too.)

JJ just always manages to fuck everything up, doesn’t he? He fucked up his parents relationship, he fucked up and now John B’s _dead._

(Maybe his dad’s right. Maybe JJ doesn’t deserve a single thing and he’s just a selfish little bitch who doesn’t care about anyone else and only ruins everything he touches and no one could ever love him because he’s unlovable and just fucked up and broken-)

(Why doesn’t anyone love him?)

(JJ remembers the first time his dad hated him enough to forget that he was his son.)

He was playing with legos to distract himself from the loud yelling coming from the living room before he heard a door slam and angry footsteps made their way down the hall. 

(He wondered what happened that time.)

(He wondered if they would be happier if he were never born.)

(He still wonders.) 

His dad stood in the doorway of his room, one hand curled around a beer bottle, the other in a tight fist. 

(His hands had caused holes in the drywalls.)

(They used to cause him to laugh after being tickled.)

(Now they scare him.) 

“JJ,” his dad said, voice slurred, tripping over his own words. “JJ, kid.” JJ looks up from the lego tower he was building. “It’s just you and me now buddy.”

JJ can remember how his six year old brain paused. Where was his mom? Did she leave? Was she coming back?

JJ didn’t realize he had verbalized his last question until his father’s gaze turned from sorrow and mourning into fury and anger. 

His dad hurled the half-full beer bottle against the wall and half ripped the door from its hinges. “She’s never coming back, JJ, and it’s all your fault. She didn’t want to deal with a fucked up kid for the rest of her life.”

JJ hadn’t understood why his father was so mad, why he was yelling such mean words at him. (His mom had made JJ promise that he wouldn’t use those naughty words.)

(JJ understands now.)

(Maybe if JJ had listened that morning to clean his dishes before leaving the kitchen, his mom would still be around.)

Everyone gets tired of him eventually. 

Why should he even try anymore?

~~

When JJ opens his eyes again, the bedside clock (the one John B’s had for eleven years) reads 11:30. His eyes feel dry and swollen and puffy and JJ has to force himself out of bed. When he opens the door of John B’s room (which hadn’t been closed previously), he sees Astra sprawled across the wooden floorboards. 

She opens one eye at the noise. When she sees him, she scrambles onto her feet, tail wagging and takes a big stretch before trotting over to say hi. 

He pats her, and she leans into his hand. She tries to lick his face, and that’s a line JJ can’t cross. He gently pushes her away from his face. He stands straight up and stretches himself.

He feels a couple of joints in his neck and his back pop. He lets out a long sigh before entering the kitchen. 

His feet shuffle against the ground. 

(JJ is so tired.)

There’s another note left on the table. 

_At work. Astra’s been fed and there’s breakfast in the fridge. Hope you had a nice sleep._

_Kie_

There another note written hastily, like it was an afterthought.

_Don’t worry. Pope and I aren’t mad._

He feels the corners of his mouth quirk into a tired smile. 

(JJ knows they’re lying.)

He grabs Astra’s leash and clips it to her collar. He takes her to the beach to pee. 

They pass a couple, camping out near the water. He hears Astra softly growl, and he ushers her away. She’s still staring in their direction even after they pass. 

It’s the middle of the day, and the temperature is hovering around the mid-60’s. 

(JJ wants to strip off his shirt and head head-first into the water.)

(But he doesn't think he can enjoy the water again.)

He tears his eyes away from the sea and forces himself to move on, gently tugging Astra away from a bush she was sniffing.

It’s somewhat soothing, he thinks, to have a purpose once more. 

He’s needed again for the first time in months. He has something to drive his energy into. 

(He once lived for his father’s approval, for John B.)

“C’mon girl,” JJ says, tugging her back in the direction of the Chateau. She trots next to him and then ahead of him. 

The walk goes fine until they pass a dog and its owner, playing on the beach together. 

Astra starts to whine and pull towards the dog after catching sight of it. Her eyes lock onto the dog far away and she lets out a high pitched bark that garners the attention of the dog and the owner.

JJ tries to pull her along, but Astra starts to lunge toward the other dog, who has gone back to playing with its owner.

“C’mon, Astra,” JJ grumbles, “Let’s go.” He starts walking away, dragging Astra with him. She’s still pulling to get to the other dog. 

JJ’s sweating in his t-shirt by the time they make it back to the Chateau. Astra heads straight to her water bowl as JJ changes out of his own shirt. 

It hits JJ then that he has no idea how to take care of a dog. Hell, he can barely take care of himself. He has no clue what dogs are supposed to do outside of the cute hallmark movies with the perfect family.

(JJ’s ashamed to admit he watches them religiously during Christmas. He doesn’t want to dive into the reasons behind it.)

He knows that dogs are good companions (aka a “man’s best friend”) and that they need walks and exercise and that he’s supposed to play with her. Outside of that, JJ has no fucking clue what he’s doing.

(He’s mainly just been relying on Kie this entire time.)

So JJ makes a note - yes, a physical note because he’ll end up forgetting it no matter what - to ask Kie how to deal with this.

He doesn’t really want to face her after last night, he knows he needs to apologize but his pride keeps him from doing that. 

JJ also knows that at some point, Kie will have to return to her own house because she has people who will miss her if she spends too long away from them. 

(JJ wonders what that’s like.)

JJ finds himself rummaging around the Chateau, looking for some drinks or leftover weed to get the empty feeling out of his stomach. He ignores how his heart jumps into his throat when he looks at some of the pictures.

(He can’t find it. He needs it, he needs it, he’s not strong enough, he doesn’t want to feel alone anymore, he doesn’t want to remember-)

He’s exhausted without it. He’s tired and drained and spending too much energy on _trying_. 

(He wants to give up.)

(It’s not like people would miss him anyway.)

His hands shake as he tears up the house. He just needs a drop, a single hit, something to soothe the feeling of this monster inside of him.

Eventually, he drops onto his knees. He’s shivering and he’s _desperate_.

(And he’s angry. So, so, so angry.)

(JJ doesn’t know why.)

( _So much like your father,_ a voice in his head sneers, _look at you. Weak. This is why I left. I knew you’d turn out to be just like him. Worthless. Why do you even try? Everyone’s afraid of you anyway. They’re all going to leave and you’ll be left by yourself again and again and again_ -)

Astra sniffs his ear. 

JJ’s body shudders and recoils, causing her to flinch.

( _See? You ruin everything you touch._ )

Astra approaches him slowly, licking the hands that are digging into his legs.

Astra seems to be reminding him why he’s still trying. 

JJ lets out a broken sound, guttural sobs tearing itself from his lips. 

JJ lets out all the frustration he’s felt the past few months, he lets out his anger, his grief- everything that he was too overwhelmed to feel before. 

He’s hit with a tidal wave of emotion, so large he thinks he's drowning again, he’s gasping for air, head occasionally bobbing at the surface of the water before being pulled down again. 

JJ’s crying for what he had and what could have been. 

He’s crying for John B and Sarah, he's crying for the mother he could’ve had. 

He’s crying because he’s just so, so, so tired.

He feels Astra shift next to laying down, her head by his lap.

At some point JJ must run out of tears. He sits on the ground, head leaning against the wall. He has no more energy to feel angry, no more energy to feel. 

(Numbness is easier to deal with than pain.)

(There’s still a nagging itch for the neck of a beer bottle.)

JJ is hit with the overwhelming need for human contact. 

(His soul craves a hug. But he’d even take getting beaten up if that’s what it took for someone to care about him.)

He drops his hand from his knees to run his thumb across Astra’s forehead.

It’s rhythmic. Constant. Soothing. Soft.

JJ lets out a bitter laugh. He’s relying on a dog for comfort now, how pathetic. 

He glances down at Astra, who’s closed her eyes at his gentle ministrations. 

JJ needs something to do. Something to distract himself from the empty feeling that’s filling his stomach. 

(Maybe numbness isn’t better.)

He glances down at Astra as his hand still. Her eyes open softly to look at him. 

JJ gets up out of the curled ball he was in, ignoring the way his muscles and bones ache. 

He searches for John B’s laptop (yes he might be looking for weed and alcohol, but that’s only if he stumbles upon it.) He doesn’t know where John B left his laptop last. 

(JJ hopes that the police didn’t take it or that he'll find out that John B forgot to clear his search history. They may have been best friends but JJ likes boundaries, and sharing porn history was not an experience he would like to live through.) 

He pulls it out of a small corner of John B’s fucking mess of a closet. 

(It smells too much like him.)

He only has to search a little bit longer for the charger. 

He sits on the couch in the living room and JJ types _dogs_ into Google before deleting and retyping _basics of owning dogs_. 

He settles into the couch in the living room and watches videos while he plays with his lighter.

JJ must lose all sense of time, because he hears the door open in the middle of his 34? 35? video of the afternoon. 

Kie drops her keys on the kitchen table. “Hey, Astra,” she says as Astra pads up to her, stretching before leaning into her leg. Kie scratches behind her ear. “Hey, JJ.”

JJ pauses the video. “Hey, Kie. How was work?”

After grabbing Astra’s bowl and dumping a cup full of food into it, she collapses on the couch next to him, turning her head to look at him. She shrugs. “Ya know, average. I only had five creepy guys today, so I’d count today as a win.” She yawns. 

If JJ were the same person he was five months ago, he’d have thrown an arm over her shoulder.

(He can’t bring himself to let others in.)

(They’re going to leave once they realize how fucked up he truly is, how horrible and nasty his mind can be.)

He lets out a small chuckle instead to soothe the tight feeling in his throat. “Is Jerry back yet? Or has he had another knee surgery?”

Kie lifts her head to glare at him slightly. “Unfortunately. So is Rich and Maurice,” she says. A smirk grows on her face. “They do tip well though.”

“How is Rich even walking? Hasn’t he been in and out of the hospital because he keeps breaking his hip?”

“He’s using a walker now. Still enjoys his food though. And the hot 20 year old waitresses.” There’s a pause. “Pope’s coming over again tomorrow.” 

They fall into a slightly awkward silence. 

There are words on the tip of his tongue that he doesn’t know how to pronounce. 

(He wishes that his father taught him how to apologize instead of teaching him how to take punches.)

(He has so many words he wants to say.)(That he’s sorry, that he still loves them, that he just misses John B, that he knows they’re hurting too.)

(His mind is a graveyard of all the words he couldn’t say.)

“Kie?” his voice comes out soft and shaky and so unlike him. His hands itch to roll a joint. “Can we go outside? To the beach.” He clears his throat and clarifies, “I wanna watch the stars.”

Kie blinks at him before giving him a soft smile. “Of course,” she says. She grabs an armful of blankets, and JJ grabs Astra’s leash. She comes running up to him, wagging her tail.

He clips it onto her collar and holds the door open for Kie as she makes her way out the door. JJ brings a bone down to the beach for Astra and Kie lays down a few blankets on the sand. 

It’s chilly, but JJ is still warm from the Chateau. 

(He’d be warmer with some alcohol and a joint in his hands.)

Kie is already laying down as JJ sits and hands Astra the bone to chew on. He settles his head next to hers.

He traces out the stars, unbelievably clear on an October night. The sounds of the waves crashing against the shore create a gentle lullaby.

(Yes, he and John B had fallen asleep here on numerous occasions, what about it?)

He traces out the big dipper, struggling to find the connecting parts of the Ursa Major. 

(John B would be able to point it out in less than a second.)

(We’re explorers, he’d say, we use the stars for finding our way! And then- we’ll find buried treasure and my dad won’t have to leave again and you would _never_ have to go back home!)

He finds Orion’s belt easily, and he scans the sky for any other relatively easy constellations 

He points up at the sky. Kie follows his finger. “There’s the big dipper,” he says. 

Kie moves her head closer to his. She raises her own hand up, a little bit to the left of his. She points to the north star. “There’s Polaris,” she says. “Sailors find it to direct them when they’re lost.”

John B was his north star. 

And now JJ is lost at sea in the middle of a storm desperately trying to find land. 

She moves her finger to the side. “There’s Pegasus. Down there is Mars-” 

JJ’s eyes grow heavy and he nuzzles closer to Kie. The smell of honey and lemon fills his nose and he lets out a content sigh. 

(It reminds him of the nights he’d spend with John B.)

(It's not the same, but it’s good enough.)

Minutes away from sleep, (JJ isn’t even sure he’s lucid at this point), JJ mumbles, “I’m sorry, Kie,” before his brain decides to turn off. 

(He doesn’t have nightmares that night.)

(Instead he dreams of a boat, drifting softly through the water, calm and so unlike _that_ night.)

He wakes up the next morning, with Astra nudging his face and the sun is starting to rise in the sky. 

When his eyes open, he sees Kie’s curls and he hears her breathing evenly. He internally panics for a moment because he doesn’t remember how they got out there. 

(He can’t help but be disappointed for a moment that he’s not next to John B.)

He sits up, blanket falling into his lap. Astra wags her tail once she notices he’s awake. He rubs his eyes as his other hand drops to pat her on the head. 

JJ lets out a yawn, and Kie stirs beside him. She lifts her head to look at him.

She squints. “Why are you awake?”

JJ shrugs as Astra walks over him to sniff Kie. 

Kie sits up and JJ shakes his head out, a feeble attempt at fixing his hair, wincing at the amount of sand that falls out. He stretches his neck, the muscle sore. 

Kie yawns. “We’re lucky you didn’t accidentally let go of her leash when you slept,” she says. Astra uses that moment to shake out her fur, flinging sand and shedding fur all of them. 

“Eugh,” JJ says. He pets her anyway. He stands, holding out an arm for Kie to grab. “Let’s head inside and clean up.”

She grabs his hand. “How was your sleep?”

He shrugs again. “How was yours?” he asks when she shakes out her arm.

She glances at him. “It was fine,” she says slowly.

( _Just a burden, never think about anyone else but yourself-_ )

“JJ, it’s ok,” she says, “It’s just a little numb from being in the same position for so long. It’s not your fault.”

( _Yes it is. Everything’s always your fault._ )

He clenches his jaw, gripping Astra leash tighter in his hands. He starts walking to the Chateau with barely a glance behind him to see if Kie is following. 

(He knows she’s always right behind him.)

He winces as the porch door slams behind him. He unclips Astra’s leash and fills her bowl for her breakfast, copying what Kie did the night before. He sets down her bowl and she almost immediately starts scarfing it down. 

He hears the door swing open, he can see in the corner of his eyes that Astra flinches as much as he does at the door closes with a loud bang. 

JJ looks up to see Kie stand there, sheepishly, precariously balancing the five blankets they used on the beach in her arms. She dumps them on the floor where they used to put their wet towels. 

(The weight’s back, and it presses down on his chest.)

(He wants to live for one moment without feeling like the world could come crashing down with one wrong move.)

He swipes a hand through his hair. It’s gotten longer since John B left.

(He’s sure he would’ve been teased relentlessly because of it.)

He sees Kie open her mouth. “Kie, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m _fine_?” He snaps. He sees her flinch slightly. “Look, I- we have a dog now. That’s something, right? A man’s best friend! Now I never have to worry about being alone and I have a distraction from feeling like I’m getting buried alive, and I can’t breathe because things won’t stop piling up and no one can hear me and soon I won’t even be able to move and I’m just so tired of fighting-”

He gets pulled into an abrupt hug, cutting off his rambling speech, Kie pulling him down to her height. 

His tears won’t stop falling, his chest hitching with every breath. “I just want to see him again,” he sobs, “I just want people to stay.” Another breathless sob. “Why won’t people ever stay?”

She’s shushing him. “I know, I know.”

The words come tumbling out of JJ’s mouth. “Why does everything fall apart? Why does nothing last?”

(It seems as though they were dealt the shittiest cards in the universe.)

She holds him as he falls apart in her arms for the second time. 

(Because JJ is so fucking lame that he can’t control his own fucking emotions and he has to dump all of his fucking problems on everyone else.)

Vaguely, he hears the porch door swing open and closed and suddenly there’s a second pair of arms around them and his knees are buckling because he can’t hold himself any longer.

(They catch him anyway.)

It’s like the night in the hot tub, except he’s not mourning his relationship with his father, but John B.

(This time he truly lets himself feel.)

JJ doesn’t know how long they spent like that, wrapped up with each other.

(He knows Kie and Pope were crying as much as he was.)

He hears Pope chuckle awkwardly while sniffling. “Well, he says, “this was not what I expected at 10 in the morning.”

Kie laughs beside him and JJ can’t help the small smile that grows on his face. 

(The weight on his chest lightens the smallest amount, nowhere close to being gone, but JJ feels he can breath easier.)

JJ clears his throat while wiping his eyes. “Well, now that we’re done with that, anyone want to make breakfast?” he jokes. He points to Pope. “Actually, scratch that, Pope, you aren’t allowed to make food anymore.”

Pope splutters. “In _my_ defense, Kie didn’t tell me when I should stop cooking it.”

“It was burning, Pope! The sides were _charred_ \- that should be enough evidence that it’s overcooked!” Kie protests. “Don’t turn the blame on me!” She must pity their horrible cooking skills because she huffs out, “Fine, I guess I’ll make it.”

Pope lets out a small _whoop_ of celebration. Kie ties her hair up and starts making pancake batter. 

“Don’t be this useless when you get married!” Kie calls from the kitchen.

“That’s an ‘if’, Kie,” JJ yells back, giving Pope a wink. “It’s bold to assume that I’ll be getting married in the first place.”

(If anyone stays long enough to even want to be with me.)

Pope snorts. “JJ, the ladies man, not being able to find a wife? I find it hard to believe.”

“Fine, I’ll fix it.” He clears his throat. “Bold to assume that _Pope_ will be getting married. He’ll live with his dead people forever.”

“Actually, JJ, for your knowledge, they’re called cadavers, and no I will not be in a relationship with a corpse, thank you very much. I’m not a necrophiliac.”“We don’t kink shame in this house, Pope.”

“I think there should be a little shame around _having sexual fantasies about dead people_.”

JJ waves him off. “It’s only weird if you act on it.” JJ gives Pope a little wink.

Pope buries his head into his hands and lets out a long groan. “JJ, that’s not how things _work_.”

“If they don’t tell anyone about it, then why should we have a problem with it? It’s not like they’re harming anything.”

“Are you two done discussing necrophilia before breakfast?” Kie says, balancing two plates of pancakes on one arm and syrup in the other. 

Pope’s head pops up. “Yes, we’re done,” he says quickly reaching for the plate. “Thank you for the wonderful food, Kie.”

JJ has half a pancake in his mouth before Pope takes his first bite. JJ says through a full mouth, “Yea, tank yo, Kie.

She gives them a fond shake of her head before sitting down in the middle of them on the couch. 

(It finally feels normal.)

~~

Pope somehow manages to convince him to join him on the weekly delivery runs for his dad.

(JJ’s only a little afraid of how Heyward will react after seeing him again.)

(JJ is, after all, the one who fucked everything up for them.)

But instead, JJ gets pulled into a giant hug. 

(Heyward is sturdy and warm and everything his father wasn’t.)

(It’s a nice reminder that not everyone’s hands hurt.)

He can’t help but to hang off Heyward. “It’s good to see you again, kid,” Heyward whispers into his ear. 

(He forgot how much he liked Heyward’s hugs.)

JJ lets go gently, sliding his sunglasses back over his eyes. Heyward’s hand remains on his shoulder. “You’re always welcome in the family, JJ,” he says. “Don’t forget that.”

“Don’t worry, sir,” he says, giving him his famous cheeky smile and saluting him. He climbs into the boat as Pope starts untying the boat. “Thanks, Heyward.”

He gets behind the wheel as Pope finishes and Heyward gives them a little wave. 

Pope sits on the little bench in the boat. “You know what he said was true, right? We love having you around.” There’s a beat. “I’m pretty sure you’re my mom’s favorite.”

He shrugs, instead focusing on the feel of the boat and the way it rocks with the sea. 

(He ignores the uneasiness building in his stomach.)

He grips his hands tighter on the steering wheel. 

He looks a bit farther out into the ocean. It’s a clear blue sky and the water is calm. He can’t stop the question that comes tumbling out of his lips.

“Do you think he survived?”

Pope follows his gaze at the ocean. 

“No,” he says, his voice distant. “I don’t think he did.”

JJ stalls the boat. 

“There’s a chance, right? That he could’ve lived?” 

“In that storm? Probably not.”

(JJ can feel his heart sink into his stomach.)

(He forgot how crushing hope could be.)

He restarts the boat with shaky hands. “Do you have weed on you?”

“JJ-”

“Pope.” He hands over a small joint wordlessly. JJ lights it with his silver lighter. It was a birthday gift from John B.

(He’s had it since they were twelve.)

A warmth fills his chest as he exhales. 

(It helps numb the empty feeling left in his stomach.)

The rest of their boat ride and deliveries are quiet. 

(They’re both digesting their realizations.)

They get back to the Chateau, both of them essentially getting jumped by Astra. 

JJ grabs Astra’s leash. While he clips it to her collar, he asks, “You down to walk her with me?”

Pope nods before a grin breaks out across his face. “Never would’ve thought I’d see the day JJ became _soft_ and settled down with a dog.”

JJ scowls. “Don’t make fun of me.” He leans down and pats Astra. “You can’t say no to this pretty lil face.”

Pope rolls his eyes. “Let’s go, lovebirds.” Pope opens the door for him and JJ is almost immediately dragged out of the door.

Astra pees and poops during their walk and because they’re responsible dog owners, they were prepared enough to bring a poop bag.

Their walk goes better than it did the last time JJ walked Astra, (meaning he doesn’t have another breakdown). JJ hopes they don’t pass people or another dog, because, wow, he knows nothing about how to handle that.

And just because JJ has shitty luck, they pass dogs on the beach. Astra lets out a long whine and starts trying to pull him toward them. He tries to gently tug her backward. She pulls on her leash and JJ has to drag her away and out of sight of the other dogs. 

He lets out a long sigh and can only be relieved that they weren’t any closer than they already were. 

“Yo, what was that?” Pope asks. 

JJ rubs his hand, unoccupied by the leash, across his face. He shrugs and shakes his head. “Honestly, I have no clue.” He remembers the note he wrote. He winces. “I should probably ask Kie about that."

Pope gives him an unamused stare. “ _Probably_?”

JJ crosses his arms over his chest. “I was kind of preoccupied last night,” he frowns. JJ can see the way Pope looks at him, like he’s dissecting another one of his cadavers. “It’s fine.”

Pope glances away. “She probably just needs a trainer.”

JJ winces. “I can’t ask Kie to dish out more money for me. She’s already done enough.”

“You know she would in an instant.” It’s not a question, simply factual, like JJ should know that they’d do anything for him. 

(He still has a hard time reminding himself.)

“I probably need a job,” JJ says, the words tumbling out of his mouth. 

“I’m sure Kie’s parents might give you another chance.”

JJ lets out a harsh laugh. “After what I’ve done? No fucking chance. They don’t want me around at all, they barely liked me before all this shit went down. I’d have more luck selling my dad’s drugs.” It's supposed to come off as a joke, but it hangs in the air like thick fog. 

JJ shrugs again. “I’ll figure it out.”

Pope grabs his arm as he turns away. “You know you don’t have to figure it out alone, right?”

JJ nods without turning back around to look at him. He tugs his arm out of Pope’s grip and calls behind him, “You coming?”

~~

A week later, he finds himself sitting in the car with Kie and Pope on their way to the trainers. He sits in the backseat with Astra, who is looking excitedly out the window. 

He still feels guilty even though Kie told him it was okay.

(At some point she’ll get tired of carrying his dead weight.)

They pull into the driveway where a woman in her mid-thirties greets them.

“Hi,” she says, her voice soothing as they get out of the car. “I’m Cara, and I’m the head trainer of Wags! Is this Astra?”

“Yep,” he hears Kie say while hopping out of the car. JJ nods and coaxes Astra out of the car. Kie shakes Cara’s hand. 

“It’s ok girl,” JJ murmurs. “C’mon, you got it.” Astra sticks her head halfway out the door before shrinking back into the car and laying down. 

“Need some help?” Cara asks over his shoulder, and he can’t help but to jump at her proximity. She gives him a polite smile. 

He glances from her to Astra. He purses his lips and then nods. “Probably.”

Cara’s voice up a slight amount. “Hi Astra, you seem like a pretty dog. Yes, I know you’re scared. But there’s nothing to be scared of!” She procures a handful of training treats. “See? I brought food for you. Good girl, very good girl.” She sprinkles more treats on the ground outside of the car. “You got it, Ash, c’mon. Yay! Good girl!” Astra eats the treats off the ground, still watching Cara. She turns to him. “Do you mind bringing her inside, if she’s comfortable? If she doesn’t want to go, we can stay outside.”

Astra looks at him before coming over to sniff at the ground beneath his feet. “Do you wanna go inside?” 

Cara kneels on the ground. “I can sit here until she feels comfortable if that's easier.” She grabs a handful of treats out of her sweatpant pockets. Astra glances at him before heading toward Cara, reaching the end of her leash. She brings her head forward to sniff at Cara’s open hand, while leaving her hindquarters as far away as possible. She gently licks her hand before starting to eat the treats in her hand. 

“Hi, Astra,” Cara says quietly, “I’m safe, girl, not gonna hurt you.”

Even after Astra’s finished the treats in her hand, Cara remains sitting on the pavement. Astra continues to sniff her, before nudging her hand. Cara lifts it gently, rasing her hand away from Astra before standing. 

“She’s still nervous,” Cara reports. “It’ll take a bit before she’s comfortable, but I think she’ll be okay going inside for now.” Cara makes a small kissy noise, and Astra’s head perks up to look at her. “C’mon, girl, you’ll feel better inside.”

Cara leads them inside into her house. It looks warm and cozy and like everything JJ wished for as a kid. There were no half-drunk bottles of beer on the counter or empty pill bottle strewn across the floor. It was clean and tidy and exactly where JJ was not meant to be.

(JJ was dirty and ruined everything he touched. He was not to be trusted with clean or good things. Her blonde hair reminds him slightly of his mom.)

(He can’t help but wonder if his life could’ve looked like this.)

She picked up dog toys and other tools on their way into the living room. She pulls out a chair and says, “sit wherever you’d like!” 

Kie and Pope settle themselves onto the couch, while JJ is torn between sitting with them or on the ground. The leather looks more expensive than JJ’s life was probably worth. 

Cara crosses her legs. “So,” she says. “I can tell Astra’s pretty fearfully already. She’s a rescue, right? Do you know anything about her situation?”

JJ shakes his head. “I found her a couple of days ago around the house I’m staying in. She didn’t really like me at first.”

“I can work with that. Is there any other problem? Mentioned reactivity toward other dogs and people. Can you describe what that was like?”

JJ glances at Pope, who stares right back at him. “Um,” JJ says eloquently. “She saw them on the beach and barked a little? Lunged too, like she wanted to get to them.”

Cara nods. “I’d suggest she spend a week with me for an evaluation so I can see firsthand what we need to work on. We have many other training options, including a board and train program with different week lengths and private lessons. I can give you the full breakdown after the eval.” She glances between them. “Is there- I don’t mean to be rude, but who exactly is paying here?”

“Oh,” Kie says. “I am. Technically Astra’s JJ’s dog, but he’s in a rough patch right now so I’m basically helping him out and-”

Cara cuts her off. “It’s alright,” she says with a slight smile. “I’ll cut the pay in half for the eval, and from there we can see what happens.” Kie opens her mouth to argue but Cara cuts her off. “Kiara, it’s no big deal, I’ll work with almost anyone for any price. While I do need to make money, I have many different businesses I help train dogs at, and I currently have many other clients.” She glances at Astra. “I have a feeling I’ll get to love her. Hopefully we can get her to love others too.” Astra cocks her head and stares at Cara. 

“I work mostly with balanced training, a mix of corrections and positive reinforcement. If you decide that another trainer would fit you better at any point, feel free to switch, I won’t be offended - I can even help you find another certified trainer in our area that meets your needs. During this evaluation, there won’t be a lot of training, I’ll be seeing where her problem areas are and where she needs the most help. How does that sound to all of you?”

“I don’t understand half of the words that came out of your mouth,” JJ blurts, “but it sounds great to me.”

“I like the sound of it too,” says Pope.

Kie glances around at them. “Alright, I’m down too.”

Cara beams at them. “Great! I’m so excited to be working with this cutie. Are there any times we can set up for the eval?”

“I’m free almost anytime,” JJ says, “So whenever works for me.”

Cara pulls out her phone and scrolls through it for a couple of moments. “I’m booked pretty much for the next two weeks, but the weekend of the 21st should work for me.”

She stands and holds out her hand. JJ reaches out to shake her hand. “Well, JJ,” she says, “I look forward to working with you and Astra.”

~~

“ _Pope_ ,” JJ says, throwing his arm over his eyes. 

“ _JJ_.”

“I’m bored.”

“JJ, it’s been thirty minutes. What have you been doing for the past two weeks?” 

Pope shuffles a deck of cards in his hands while JJ lays on the couch. JJ huffs and pouts. “I’ve been spending time with Astra.”

“For the _entire_ two weeks?”

“Yes. Is there a problem?”

JJ sits up as he hears the shuffling of the cards stop. Pope gives him a look. “Yes, there’s a problem. You've basically only had living interactions with your dog. Have you started talking to random things- oh please don’t tell me you’re becoming that guy from _Cast Away_. If I find out your new best friend is a baseball I-”

JJ rolls his eyes. “Pope, I haven’t replaced people with inanimate objects. I think you’d be the first to know if that happened. ”

“I’m just saying that maybe you should consider talking to other human contact, ya know, outside of me and Kie. Or atleast going back to school.”

JJ scoffs. “It's not like I had friends in the first place at school, Pope. Kie’s off at her kook school, and we don’t even take the same classes. It’s not like I have a chance of getting out of here, Pope. Why should I even try?”

“JJ-” 

“Look, my future has always been staying in Outer Banks. That’s just how things work around here. And you have a chance at leaving, even though you blew off your scholarship interview. And Kie’s gonna save the world somehow.”

He hears Pope stand. He holds out a hand to JJ. “Come on,” he says with a small smile. 

JJ takes his hand and lets Pope lead him wherever. He grabs his hat and lighter on the way out. 

Pope takes him to a small, hidden lake. 

It’s the same lake he and John B took Pope first after initiating him into the Pogues. 

They modified their explorer games for him.

Instead of explorers, they became pirates, fighting against other pirates who wanted to steal their gold and treasure. 

These games became a way of escaping for Pope as much as it was for him and John B. 

(JJ needed somewhere to feel safe. Pope needed somewhere to fight back. John B needed to be like his father.)

Pope sits on a hanging tree branch over the lake. JJ sits across from him in his tree. (John B would’ve been sitting on the rock in between them. 

Pope looks out at the lake. “You know,” he starts. “There’s no way I’d ever get this far without you or John B.”

JJ barks out a laugh. “Really, Pope? You would’ve gotten so much farther without us. Do you not see the shit we’ve dragged you into?”

“Do you not remember how we met? Are you crazy? I would’ve gotten beat up so badly that I probably would have to be dragged by my dad to go to high school. JJ, you and John B literally found me getting beat up by random kids. What makes you think I could make it to highschool?”

“You’d find a way. That’s just what you do.”

“JJ, are you insane?”

“Probably?”

“No, you idiot. I wouldn’t have a chance without you or John B. I would’ve been one of those easy nerd kids who were just used as target practice. Hell, we got beat up anyway but atleast I had you guys by my side.”

JJ shakes his head and wolf whistles. “John B really had a thing for fucked-up kids, didn’t he? He was like a magnet for the weirdos.”

Pope laughs. “How did that dude ever get Sarah Cameron? The world may never know.”

He throws a pebble at JJ’s shoulder. “Hey, you know I meant what I said right? I owe this to you two.”

“Yeah, and I owe barely passing freshman year to you, Pope. Thanks for being good at algebra.” To show his gratitude, JJ splashes water at him and bolts off. 

Pope lets out a manly shriek before chasing after him, a laugh bubbling against his lips.

“Oh, you are so on,” Pope calls after him. 

“I think you’re forgetting who holds the record of the most foot race championships!”

“But you didn’t learn the short cuts,” Pope says from next to him.

JJ yelps as Pope cuts him off and beats him to the large oak on the other side of the lake.

JJ catches his breath and places his hands on his knees. “What the fuck?” he says between pants. “When did you learn that?”

“I had to figure out a way to keep up with you and John B, so I just found a faster way.”

“See, Pope, this is why you’re the smart one.”

“Maybe just the least athletic one.”

JJ rolls his eyes. “Sure,”” JJ draws out the e. “Whatever you say, Pope, whatever you say.” JJ takes off his shirt and starts untying the laces of his boots. Pope gives him a side glance. “Whatcha doing there, JJ?”

He throws his sock at Pope’s face. “Going for a swim, what do you think?” His pants come off next (don’t worry, he’s wearing boxers.). “You coming or what?”

Pope takes off his shirt. “In November?”

“It’s like, only the first week in November. It’s only 60 out _and_ it’s sunny. It’s a win win.”

Pope’s voice turns mocking. “What are we gonna play mermaids?”

“Only if you wish, dearest Pope. Do you really want to play mermaids when we can play explorers?”

“What is ‘ _explorers’_?”

“Whoever grabs the most dirt from the bottom of the lake is the richest! See ya!”

JJ dives head first in the lake, Pope’s aborted, “Wait-” followed by a splash and bubbles surrounding him. 

(JJ can’t help but to think he did not think this through.)

The bubbles feel overwhelming and he feels as though he’s no longer in the lake, but the ocean and he’s just being pulled down, down, down.

He hasn’t been swimming since then, hasn’t been able to pick up his surfboard or go further than his feet into the ocean. 

He forgot what it felt like to be surrounded by water. How it can sometimes be like concrete walls, unforgiving and crushing, or it can feel like clouds, freeing and flying, like nothing could go wrong.

JJ wants to feel that again. 

Wants to feel the feeling of breathing and the feeling of just living as he’s surfing or as he’s swimming. Wants to feel the feeling of freedom out on the ocean, with no land in sight and it’s just him and he finally feels _safe_. 

But instead he can feel the water pressure pushing down on his chest, like it doesn’t want him to fight, like it would be easier for him to just relax-

Pope grabs his hand and pulls him back to the surface. JJ catches his breath, treading in the water like he has since he was five. 

“Yo,” Pope says, “do you mind telling me what the fuck just happened to you?”

JJ shakes the water out of his bangs and swipes a hand through his hair. He’s still catching his breath as he answers, “Maybe when we aren’t _still_ in the water.” He swims to the edge, where their clothes lay on the ground. 

As he gets out in only his soaked boxers, he starts to shiver. Pope pops up next to him. “Regretting your choice yet?”

“Fuck off.” He glances down before doing a double take. “Says the guy in pink buffalo underwear.”

“Hey! My mom gave them to me for Christmas. I didn’t expect we were going to be taking an impromptu swim!”

JJ rolls his eyes. “Let’s dry off, buffalo.”

Pope scowls. “That better not become a new nickname.”

“You brought it on yourself.”

They walk home in their wet boxers, JJ’s hair drips water onto his shirt. 

“My socks, JJ, my socks are wet!”

“So are your pants, but you aren’t complaining about that.”

JJ’s the first in the Chateau and hands Pope a dry towel. JJ runs the towel across his head and shakes his hair out. “I’m gonna get changed,” JJ says, while throwing extra sweatpants and a shirt at Pope.

JJ steals the bathroom first and shrugs off his pants first. (Wet boxers are not a fun thing to deal with.) When he takes off his shirt, he ignores the way his ribs ache from twisting to fast or how his torso is littered in small scars. 

He tugs on his sweatpants and sweatshirt and heads out to the porch, where he watches as the sunsets over the water. He’s lost count of the days that have passed since John B disappeared (he used to track it religiously, as if it would make John B come back to him faster.)

Pope joins him a moment later, leaning on the wooden railing. 

JJ clears his throat and Pope turns to look at him a moment later. “The ocean’s an interesting place, isn’t it?” Pope stays silent, but his eyes remain on him. “One moment it can be the clearest of blues, the next moment it could hold the deepest of secrets.” He finds himself whispering. “It’s scary, Pope, to know that it could take someone away in seconds. To know that you could lose yourself in the deep expanse, how space is more explored than the _ocean_ . There’s so much left to know. I can never tell what it’s going to be that day, whether it’ll be choppy or serene. It’s _unpredictable_.”

He glances over at Pope, who is still staring at him. “Do you get nightmares?” Pope blurts.

JJ feels the blush rising to his cheeks. “Yeah.” He looks down at the peeling paint on the wood. 

It’s silent except for crickets chirping. 

“I’m always reliving that night. Except nothing ever happens the same each dream. Sometimes there are killer clowns chasing us across the Chateau, sometimes a tidal wave swallows us whole, but it always ends with me dying. I can never escape it. John B and Sarah are in it sometimes. They’re typically begging me to save them and- and I can’t. It’s like I’m never strong enough or fast enough. They always slip through my hands.” He punches the railing, and JJ flinches as he watches his fist connect with the wood, flakes of paint falling onto the ground. “Why couldn’t things have been different?”

“I’m always drowning,” JJ starts. “I’m trying to save a sinking ship and no matter what I do, I end up in the ocean. Even if it wasn’t storming at the beginning, the ocean will grow until I can’t swim. Something always feels like it’s dragging me down and I use all my effort to get to the surface. It’s never enough. I can’t breathe and I’m just surrounded by empty water. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just, give up, ya know? Let myself be taken by the waves. Let the ocean take me where it wants to.”

“It’s normal to have nightmares, things you wish you could change. Just don’t block me and Kie out. We’re the only people who can even remotely understand what’s happening. We’re all still scared, JJ. It’s ok to be scared.”

JJ knows this. But still, he remembers how much worse it would hurt when he showed he was scared. ( _Are you scared, son? I’ll show you what it means to feel scared._ ) 

He nods along anyway. 

~~

“Ok, ok, Astra,” JJ says with a smile. “Easy, girl, easy. I know, I know, you missed me.” Astra is frantic, licking him and squirming in his hands. Her tail is wagging so hard her body moves with it.

“Hi, guys!” Cara greets. “Astra and me just finished up, let’s head inside for now!”

Cara hands them packets of paper as they sit on the couch again. JJ gives it a once over, giving up once the words become squiggles on a page. Astra sits on his foot and tilts her head back to look at him. He gives in and scratches her head. 

“Astra’s a sweetheart! At the end of the day she loved to just snuggle at my feet. Loves pets and kisses. I’m also glad to report that Astra isn’t aggressive, just scared. She doesn’t know how to react, so her self preservation instincts kick in. Her reactivity is based out of fear and poor socialization from when she was a puppy. While she’s wary around new people, her reactivity is mainly toward other dogs.

“Astra had some possessiveness around toys and her bed that we brought over, she didn’t want any other dog around it, but again, that was rooted in fear. She was scared that it was going to be taken away, and with a good amount of work, we managed to lower her possessiveness.

“I introduced her to some of my own personal dogs and other dogs that I’m training. She didn’t know how to greet other dogs or how to react when they greeted her. She responded easy to corrections by me and other dogs and has quickly gained a love for being around other dogs.

“We’ll have to go to the very basics for training, such as sit, down and working on verbalizing those commands, just general basic obedience before we can start tackling these issues.

“I’d suggest we do a couple weeks of board and train, and you’ll definitely have homework to do while I help Astra. We can do a couple of private sessions too after so you can see how things are supposed to look! How does that sound?”

JJ nods along. “Sounds great to me,” he says. “If it helps Astra, I’m down for anything.”

Even Kie is nodding along. “I don’t know a ton about dogs, but it sounds like you know what you’re doing.”

Cara laughs at that. “Perfect! Scheduling has been a bit off, but if you want I can start her board and train program next weekend? It should last anywhere from 4-6 weeks, if you’re comfortable with that.”

Kie gets up, grabbing her wallet from her purse before Cara puts a hand on her wrist and sits her back down. “Don’t worry about paying me,” Cara says. “Astra’s only one dog, I’d be happy to help her.”

Kie gives Cara a confused look, her eyebrows pinched together. “Are you sure? We’re taking time and resources so I understand if you want us to pay.”

“Listen, I started doing this because I hated seeing those dogs in the shelter. They don’t deserve to be there. Especially if the reasoning was bad ownership. Which is why I help train the owner while I train the dogs. It’s a two way street. You have to trust Astra, and Astra has to trust you. Astra doesn’t deserve to be back on the street, or be a liability for you. She deserves to be stress free and to be a dog for once in her life, like she was meant to be. I wanna help her become herself again. Because behind all the fear, she’s her own unique dog and I want to help that Astra shine.”

Kie puts her wallet back in her purse slowly, nodding along. “Makes sense. I helped out at the shelter a couple of times and I wanted to adopt every animal in there.”

Cara smiles. “Then you should be able to see where I’m coming from.” She turns to him. “I think you might learn more from Astra than you think. You remind me of her. Well, I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve seen plenty of examples where owners do look like their pets.”

JJ’s barely out the door, Astra’s leash in hand before Cara places her hand on his shoulder and he flinches. He turns to her as she drops her hand away. 

Her brow furrows. “Get some rest, JJ, you seem like you need it. Call me if you need anything too. My numbers on the paper. You’re a good kid, or else you wouldn’t have taken Astra in. Don’t worry too much, you’re too young for that.”

 _I was too young for a lot of things_ , an inner voice scoffs, _I’ve been through more than you could ever know_.

Cara must see something in his face because she says, “You deserve to be cared for, just like you’re caring for Astra. Relationships are a two way street, JJ. Don’t forget that.”

_Why would anyone want to care for you? Useless, waste of space._

JJ gives her curt nod before heading out the door. He turns around at the last moment. “Thanks, Cara.”

He ushers Astra into the car and hops in himself. He finds himself waving at Cara, who is still standing at the doorway. As they pull away, he sees her turn on the porch light and head inside. 

Astra’s all over his lap, licking his face. He pushes her away playfully. “Astra, that’s enough, _please_ , I don’t want my face covered in your saliva- I have nowhere to go. Astra-”

Pope comes to his rescue from his seat in the front. He pats Astra on the back getting her attention. “Come on, Astra, we don’t want JJ dying right now.”

“It’s okay, Astra I missed you too.”

He buries his face into her fur, (she no longer smells of soft lavender). She sits right next to his leg. 

She turns and looks at him, tongue lolled out, mouth open. Even he can see the utter adoration in her eyes. 

(He’s not sure he’s ever loved anything more than he loves Astra.)

He leans his head against the window and watches as the sun paints pretty colors onto the horizon. His hand stays in Astra’s fur as she leans against him. 

JJ doesn’t think he’s ever felt this peaceful since John B disappeared. With the radio playing on Kie’s slightly beat up scar speakers, and Pope and Kie conversing softly in the front. 

A warm feeling spreads throughout his chest. He hides the bottom half of his face with his other fist as the corners of his mouth pull up into a smile. 

~~

JJ thought he was getting _better_. He’s felt better in the past week than he did when John B was alive. 

But JJ sits on a rock overlooking the ocean, his legs dangling over the side. The wind tangles his hair and ruffles his clothes. 

It’s not a long fall by any means, but still far enough down that JJ would feel the feeling of falling if he were to jump. 

He doesn’t know what brought him out here, other than the fact that Astra’s with Cara again and it’s raining again. 

It’s never a good thing to be outside when it’s raining. 

(Even before John B left, JJ was only ever outside at night when it was raining if his dad beat him so badly that JJ couldn’t spend the night at home.)

So JJ returned to their not so secret spot, a rock where they did modified cliff jumping back when it was summer. (It’s why JJ knows he won’t die if he falls somehow.)

He wishes he brought a sweatshirt as his clothes sticks to his torso, chilling him to the bone. He flexes his fingers against the ground as his fingers start to go slightly numb. 

JJ hasn’t done anything since they dropped Astra off at Cara’s. 

(Cara had given him a slightly less sad look when they dropped Astra off.)

He rubs at his eyes tiredly. (He wishes that he could rub away the feelings that have been tormenting him for the past week.)

He’s the only one staying at the Chateau now, with Kie and Pope, who have families that need them at home, and Astra with Cara. 

He doesn’t have a purpose anymore. The last time JJ was alone like this, he hadn’t met John B yet. 

(Part of his identity lies with John B.)

He feels useless. Like he could disappear like John B, and no one would feel the same way, like it was just another kid from Outer Banks, without a future. He was destined to die here anyways. 

At least with Astra, he was needed by _something_. He could take her for walks, he could spend time with her. He had a purpose. 

JJ wishes he had a beer or a joint- anything to get rid of the hole in his chest. Kie took them all once she left. 

He just wants to stop feeling. He wants to stop hurting, he wants to be loved. 

He wants to be loved as much as he loves them. 

(He doesn’t deserve it.)

(He’s never deserved it.)

(He’ll never deserve it.)

He’s never done anything good in his life. He made his mom leave them, it’s his fault his dad its so far gone with drugs that he _doesn’t even recognize his own son_ , that John B’s dead, that Pope lost his scholarship, that Kie has such a rocky relationship with her parents. 

How could anyone forgive him? Nothing he does now would make up for everyone he’s hurt. 

(He just wants his mom back, he misses her hugs, the way her hair smelled after she showered, her lullabies.)

She wouldn’t even be proud of him. She’d wonder how her JJ turned into this. This fucked-up teenager who’s turning into his dad day by day. 

(Maybe she’d be scared of him too.)

JJ doesn’t think that his younger self would even recognize him. 

Actually, he would. His younger self would recognize the way his hand was wrapped around the beer bottle, like it was the most important thing in the world. He would recognize the way his face looked when he was drunk.

(It’s the same face their dad had when he was drunk.)

JJ’s stopped looking in the mirror now. (He doesn’t want to watch the way he walks in his father’s footsteps.)

He wants to yell, to cry, to do something other than sit here. He wants someone to listen to him and understand. He wants the comfort of parents he’s never had. 

But JJ’s frozen on this stupid fucking piece of rock. He doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, doesn’t yell. He sits there like the fucking useless piece of shit he is. 

He hates himself for what he’s become. 

~~

He’s pacing back and forth in the long hallway of the Chateau, his fingers hovering over the call button of a contact in his phone. He gnaws at his finger nail while he stares at the number displayed on the screen. He checks between the number on the card and his phone before closing his eyes and hitting the call button. 

“Hello?” Cara’s voice rings out. “Who is this?”

JJ clears his throat before answering. “Hi, um, it’s JJ,” he says. “I was wondering if maybe I could come over today and visit Astra? If it’s not too much of a problem, of course, I-”

“Yes! Of course you can come over. You’re in luck, young man, I just so happened to have today free. Hop on over whenever you like. You can check up on Astra too! She’s doing great!”

“Thanks, Cara.” He hits the hang up button before shoving it into his sweatpant pockets. 

He reaches for the rack by the door that used to hold John B’s keys before realizing that it now holds Astra’s dog supplies. 

He lets out a sigh and runs his hands through his hair before pulling out his phone again before he realizes, _oh hey, he has access to a usable bike_. 

He swings his leg around the bike and takes his phone out of ihs pocket and types in Cara’s address. It’s a longer bike ride than he’s used to, it takes him around thirty minutes to get there. By the time he stops again, he’s sweating beneath his sweatshirt. 

JJ hits the kickstand with his foot and goes to knock on the door. At the sound of the knocks, a ruckus of barking starts up by, what sounds like, at least two or three dogs. 

He hears Cara’s voice, muffled and indistinguishable from behind the solid wood. The barking quiets down and Cara opens the door. When she sees its him, her face breaks out into a smile. 

“JJ! I’m so glad you made it! Come in, come in. Ignore the dogs please.”

(JJ can’t help but imagine that if his mom were still around his life would be more like this.)

JJ wipes his shoes on the doormat. When he looks up, he sees three dogs, all laying down on their beds looking at him. 

Cara points to the one the furthest to the right. “That one’s mine, his name is Rex, he’s a dobie. I’ve had him for three years now when I rescued him from the shelter. I was just supposed to rehabilitate him but I fell in love.” She moves her finger to the dog in the middle. “Artemis is a trainee, five month old pure white german shepherd. She’s here working on basic obedience that will lead into bite work and working job training.” She points to the last dog. “This one is also mine. Her name’s Kova, a husky mix also from the shelter. I’ve had her for probably five years now.” She lowers her hand. “Astra’s in her crate right now to relax. It’s like naptime. She’ll be out in around fifteen minutes. Cara pauses before turning to look at him. “Do you want to say ‘hi’ to them?”

JJ nods. Cara says, “Free!” and Rex is the first one to come bounding over. Artemis sniffs his hand and Kova hangs in the back, stretching before coming up behind him. 

The corners of JJ’s mouth twitch upward. “Hey, guys,” he says (no, he did not coo, he’s not a simp.)

Cara stands beside him, with a small smile on her face. “They seem to really like you.” She pauses before adding on, “you know dogs are a good judge of character, right? Whoever my dog trusts I trust.”

JJ pauses his petting for a moment. _She’s lying to you. These dogs could hate you for all she knows._

Rex sits by his feet while Kova returns to her bed. Artemis makes herself busy with a small toy on the floor before trotting over and dropping it on Kova’s bed. Kova opens one eye, glancing up at Artemis before closing again. 

Cara clears her throat. “So, JJ,” she says, hesitantly. “What brought you over today? You didn’t miss us that much did you?” 

JJ winces. “Not exactly. I just needed to lift my spirits, and one of the ways was by visiting Astra.” _Because no one else is around who cares about you._

“Hun, that’s not all there is to the story. I think you’re forgetting that part of my job is to read body language. But I hope I’m not intruding when I ask why you were feeling down the past few days.”

JJ shrugs. “Just feelings, I guess.” His tongue feels numb in his mouth.

_One wrong word and you’re getting the shit beat out of you tonight._

_No one cares about your problems- Hell, you’re the one who causes the problems._

_If you weren’t born, I’d be happier._

_Who needs you around anyway? All you do is mope and whine. Go and be a man for once, little shit._

_I thought I told you to fuck off. I don’t care about anything you say._

“You ok? JJ?”

JJ blinks. 

She reminds him too much of the way his mom used to look at him, like he was the most important thing in the room. Like he _mattered._

“Yea,” he chokes out. “I’m fine.”

She places a hand on his, and he pulls it away quickly as he looks down to avoid her gaze. 

(He wonders what it would feel like if she hugged him.)

He clenches his hands into fists, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. 

“It’s ok if you aren’t, you know. I can-”

“Oh, you want me to tell you all about my problems so you can just tell me you don’t care like everybody else in my life? Well, no thanks, Cara, but I don’t need to be told that. I already know. I already know that I don’t really matter, that I’m replaceable, that I’m unimportant and a burden. I don’t need another adult in my life to tell me that, but thanks for the offer.” His cheeks are burning with embarrassment or anger, he doesn’t know. 

Cara doesn’t say anything. 

JJ doesn’t feel the harsh satisfaction he typically does after outbursts like this. 

“JJ, can you sit down on the couch for me?”

His nails dig deeper into his palms. He follows Cara’s instructions anyway. 

Cara disappeared deeper into the house. JJ can hear the clanking of metal being moved and a loud shake. Nails click against the wooden floors as Astra pokes her head out from around the couch. 

Her ears perk up as she notices him and she trots even faster toward him. She’s an ecstatic ball of fur, wiggling around his legs and occasionally poking her head up to try to lick at him. 

JJ smiles even though his heart wants to crawl into his throat and die. He pets her in long strokes, from Astra’s head to her tail. 

Cara sits a couple feet away from him. He can feel her watching him, but he ignores it (like he does best). He can feel her hesitating. _Great, another person to think he’s weak and helpless. Broken._

“JJ.” Cara’s voice is heavy and quiet. “You know you aren’t worthless right? And that people care about you? JJ. I’ve known you for maybe three weeks, and I would be upset if you got hurt or hurt yourself.” She pauses. “JJ, I don’t know who told you all of this, but they’re lying, okay? You deserve to be cared about.”

JJ lets out a choked breath. He’s trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. 

_She’s lying. She just doesn’t want to deal with you being a pussy. Be a man for once, Jesus fucking Christ._

“I see the way Pope and Kie watch you. You’re important to them. I don’t care about what anyone else says. You don’t deserve to be told that you’re worthless. You have people who love you, JJ.”

A whine escapes from his throat as tears well up in his eyes. His breath hitches as he fights against sobs. 

“JJ? Can I touch you?”

 _His dad never asked to touch him_.

He hesitates before nodding vigorously. “Please.”

Cara wraps her arms around him. She smells like lavender spray and faintly like chicken. Her arms are soft and strong and steady. Even at the awkward angle, she feels soft and warm. 

JJ can’t stop the sob that leaves his mouth.

(He misses his mom.)

“Oh, JJ,” she says, softly. She pets his hair away from his face and rocks him gently from side to side. “You’ll be okay.”

He wants to believe her. For the first time in his life, he trusts an adult. 

JJ manages to talk between heaving breaths. “I miss her, Cara, I miss her.” He hiccups. “Why’d she leave me with him? Why’d she leave me alone?” Another shuddering breath. “Why does he hurt me, Cara? I thought he was supposed to love me. I just want him to love me. Why am I not good enough?”

Her fingers are soothing as they massage his scalp. He melts into her hold. 

“I’m sorry, JJ.”

He’s never heard an adult apologize to him. 

It makes him cry harder. 

He just wants to be loved. 

He holds onto Cara tighter, like she’s a life jacket floating through the sea, and JJ is barely holding on.

There’s no thought of time as he cries. He doesn’t have it in him to care. 

In the end, he quiets down, dropping his head against her shoulder. He lets out a long sigh, breathing in heavily before letting go. 

“You feeling a bit better now?”

JJ sniffs in response. It makes Cara laugh, light and twinkly. She keeps her hand running through his hair, dragging the pads of her fingers from root to end.

She shifts her weight slightly, her body pulling away from his. Against his instinct, he pulls away too and lifts his head. 

Cara looks at him. He can see the way her brow is furrowed and her lips are pursed. “JJ?” Cara’s voice is shaky. _Great, you made someone else uncomfortable you stupid bitch_. “Do you feel better?”

JJ looks down. When he doesn’t answer, Cara asks carefully, “Who told you that you’re useless?” 

He shrugs and laughs bitterly. “I guess almost every adult in my life.” He waves a hand around. “Always had the same theme: _Oh JJ can’t do this; JJ can’t do that; What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he understand? JJ, stupid bitch, stop being so useless and grab me that beer_ \- You know after you here something for so long, it’s probably just the truth. They wouldn’t all say it if it weren’t.”

“I don’t think you’re useless. I don’t think they were telling you the truth either. Because I know you’re smart. You might not be book smart, but there’s more to life than school.” She pauses for a moment. “Do you mind me asking who you were referring to?”

“Just my mom,” he says, so quietly he doesn’t know if Cara heard him. Cara stays silent. “I just- I miss her a lot. She left when I was five.” he glances back up to look at Cara. “She looked kinda like you.” Cara smiles sadly. “She used to sing me lullabies, she gave the best hugs, and I knew she loved me.”

“And who was the other person you were talking about?” Cara’s voice remains low and grounding. 

JJ clears his throat. “My dad,” he mumbles. Her forehead becomes even more wrinkled. JJ finds himself blurting, “It’s okay, he doesn’t mean to, he’s just drunk most of the time and he doesn’t think sometimes-”

Cara’s hand stills in his hair. “JJ, does your dad hurt you?”

“Not on purpose. Sometimes he just forgets it’s me, but he still loves me.” JJ doesn’t know why he’s saying this. 

He guesses years of lying to DCS has been ingrained in him. 

(Maybe there’s a small part of him that still believes that his dad still cares about him.)

“If he truly loved you, don’t you think that he wouldn’t hurt you?” Her fingers go back to threading through his hair. “People who love you don’t hurt you. They don’t tell you you’re useless, they don’t lay their hands on you with the intention of violence.”

JJ shakes his head. “Cara, he’s drunk and high most of the time, it’s not his fault.”

“JJ, you’re his son. Don’t you think he should prioritize him over drugs and alcohol?”

“John B had a great dad and his dad still went off every other weekend to look for a sunken ship that he didn’t even know was out there. John B’s dad loved him and his priority wasn’t his son- Cara, everyone can improve-”

“JJ, when he’s drunk and high, he _hurts_ you. Even sober, he wouldn’t prioritize you.”

“Sometimes I deserve it, Cara. Sometimes I deserve to be hurt for being such a failure, for being in the way, for being useless. It’s not like he’s doing it without reason.”

“JJ, no one deserves to get hurt. Not even if you do something wrong. There should be no reason for your dad to hit you. Ever. I don’t care about his reasoning, or yours, for that matter. JJ, a kid shouldn’t be getting hurt at the hands of someone who is supposed to protect him.”

“But if my own father can’t love me, who can?”

“JJ, love doesn’t just come from parents. And it can come from anybody and everything. I think you already have people in mind who you know love you without a doubt.”

Next to him, Astra lays down, her head leaning on his shoe. She looks up at him, and he can see the silhouette of his reflection in her eyes. Her eyes drift softly shut as the muscles in her neck slowly relax. 

JJ stays quiet for a moment. “He really doesn’t love me, does he?” His tone is flat, disappointment and sadness drifting into it. 

He guesses saying it over and over again doesn’t make it the truth. 

“I’m sorry, JJ.”

JJ just falls limply against her shoulder. He’s run out of tears to cry.

JJ’s known this for a while. It feels different when someone else agrees with him.

(John B used to try to get JJ to stay at the Chateau forever. Too bad he isn’t here when JJ finally gets away from his dad.)

~~

It’s months later when Astra’s can finally watch dogs walk by without reacting, and will be even longer before she can work through her leash reactivity. But Cara works with her like Astra’s her own dog. 

JJ can see the improvement in the way Astra holds herself, she’s no longer tentative, as if she were waiting a scolding, she’s playful and excited and JJ knows there’s more under the surface. 

When JJ goes to bed that night, with Astra curled up beside him, he’s struck with a warm contentedness, something along the lines of love filling his body. He can’t help but smile as he looks out through the windows. 

Astra’s not perfect, and neither is he, but they work to make themselves better for the both of them. They have bad days sometimes, where JJ can’t have people approach him without shaking or his body hurts so much that he can’t get out of bed because he needs a hit, a drag, a sip or _something_ to keep the demons at bay. 

Sometimes he isn’t always stronger enough.

But he wakes up the next morning, no matter how shitty his day was previously, with Astra, who always stares at him like he’s her world. 

(She’s the first thing to look at him like that.)

Astra has bad days too, where she barks at everything that passes by the Chateau, or gets so afraid that she might end up hurting herself and Astra forgets that she’s safe with him. 

But they always wake up the next day.

It’s then, sitting there in the bed, when JJ realizes his dad taught him that love was conditional. That it relied on actions and it didn’t matter who you were because love was a privilege and he needed to earn it.

But JJ can’t imagine loving something more than he loves Astra. He doesn’t like it when she accidentally pees in the house or tears up a ball of socks.

JJ could never imagine deciding to not love her because of that.

(Maybe JJ isn’t like his dad.)

(Maybe JJ was never like his dad.)

He goes to sleep that night, filled with a warmth that had only been previously provided by weed and alcohol.

JJ doesn’t have nightmares that night.

He goes out to visit the ocean the next day, leash in one hand and Astra in tow. 

It’s mid-spring, where plants are starting to regrow from the winter. The tree’s are starting to become green again and the ocean once more holds the warmth it’s always had. 

As he stares out into the ocean, he thinks he’s found the beauty in the pain. How even though the ocean is full of riptides, the waves that crash on the shore and the sun setting on the water beat any danger hidden under the surface. 

He’s a boy with his dog, and it’s them against the world. 

**Author's Note:**

> um so ya! thanks for reading this monster that i created
> 
> most of this was written like later at night so sorry if that part is like unintelligible... i started this back in march and two months ago suddenly got the inspo for this - fic title from boxes by the googoo dolls!
> 
> this was my first fic so if you could let me know in the comments what you thought that would be great (or not i can't control you)


End file.
